Next Step

So, I have not completed my goal yet.  But I am getting there.  I chatted on-line last night and received a good suggestion.  I told her that I was thinking about losing my virginity, and the whole wedding dress thing and she said I had the cart before the horse.  That I needed to learn how to relate to men, as a woman, before jumping off into sex.  She may be right, but where do I find a guy to flirt with and go to dinner with, flirt with, dance with, kiss?

I am mulling this idea over in my head....not sure what to do.  Feel free to advise me!

A girly day.

So, I had a girly day today. I started with black bikini panties from VS.  Just a plain cotton but still, a good start.  I then used my cleanser, astringent and moisturizer.  Feeling sexy today, I applied a light coat of my BB cream.  And the strobe cream, by MAC, to give me a dewy look.  A little mascara and lip base and I was off to work!

Sitting there I felt like I needed to go shopping.  So, at lunch I went to the mall to see if my favorite cosmetics-counter girl was in.  She was, but she was tied up.  So, I killed some time at VS.  I bought three soft and silky panties, white, black and pink.  All with lace trim.  Mmm.  I was disappointed when the check out lady said that "she'd like these, they're so soft".  I know, I should have corrected her right off.  Damn.  Now I have to go back.  Hehe.  So, I headed back to the department store and she was not busy.  She remembered me and we had a great chat about the new line she is representing.  And she invited me to come back to an event they are having next week..."we'll play a little"....I can't wait!

So, then my dance supply store called.  My new ballet pants arrived.  These are much more form fitting, almost like a footless tight but not quite as skin-tight.  So, I picked those up.  And finally, I stopped by the post office and my Jockey "Fit-kit" arrived!  So when I got home, I tried out the different plastic cups and measured myself.  I am a 1-40 under this system.  Now, to order a new bra!!

Leotard

So, I went to the Capezio store in Wayne, NJ.  It was near closing time so I did not have time to browse.  I really want to get back there when time is not so critical!  It is just full of good things and I so want to try some of them on!  In any case, I walked in and a nice young lady asked if she could help me.  I said that I needed to get a leotard, extra large.  She asked about sleeve style and I asked for a short sleeve one.  She showed me two racks, one with a nylon/spandex mix and the other with a cotton/spandex mix.  I asked about the difference and she talked about wear and fading.  I figured that cotton would be cooler than a 100 % synthetic so I went with the cotton.  Unfortunately that limited me to black or white. I chose black.  She then looked at me like "what next?".  I said I didn't really know what I was doing, hoping that she'd suggest trying it on.  But she didn't.  So, we went to the counter and I paid for it.  Leotards are pretty inexpensive.  I may need one in every color, hehe.  So, I drove off and started changing into it, finally getting it on.  It is a little tight but I hope that all this extra exercise and a better diet will drop a few pounds.  We'll see.  In any case, I wore the leotard all the way to my hotel and threw on a jacket (from the suit) and checked in.  The clerk kept giving me funny looks, like she knew what I was wearing under my jacket.  Hehe.  I am such a sissy!

 

 

So, there I am.  I'll get better, I promise!

More Ballet

I have now been to three classes.  I am starting to get addicted.  I am still way behind most of the ladies in the class but each time I get a little more of the routine.  We run though the same barre exercises each week and I am starting to be able to do some of the moves without watching the lady in front of me.  This allows me to have better posture, especially with my head, as I am not dropping my head to watch.  I have also started to watch videos of ballet moves to get a better sense of what I should be doing.  I think this will really help.  I am still wearing my black dance pants and a tshirt.  I have considered buying a pair of capri pants as the dance pants have a loose lower leg.  This may be a little too girly for this point in the game but we'll see.  The ultimate goal, of course, is to wear a leotard and tights....need to lose some weight first though. 

Ballet Class

Ok.  I had my first ballet class today.  Plié.  Demi-plié.  It was at least as difficult as I expected.  the instructor is a guy but the remainder of the class are women, ranging in age from 20ish to 60ish.  They seemed very accepting and supporting.  So, wow.  The movement is so girly I can not begin to describe how it makes me feel.  But I am expected to do everything and do it with a self confidence and poise that I do not have.  Yet.  That is the point though, isn't it?  At the very least I will be better balanced and more graceful.  With any luck some of that will carry over into my non-ballet life in a way that presents itself as gracefully feminine.  The trick is carrying myself with that same poise and style as I go about my life.  It will be interesting to see if anyone notices.  Hehe.

Ballet Shoes

I bought ballet shoes today.  Black.  Ok, I should have bought pink but I am not totally out, right?  In any case, I need to figure out what else to wear.  I think I should not start out with a pink leotard and white tights, though that is what I'd like.  Probably will end up with black yoga pants.  Oh well...the entire experience will be pretty girly.  I'll let you know when I figure it out.  Saturday morning is the first class.   Giggle.

Wednesday 7/17...Bought a pair of black dance pants today.  And a dance belt.  I'd rather need a dance bra...oh well. 

Dinner out

I should probably tell you about dinner on Friday night too.  So, I had my nails done on Friday afternoon.  As usual, she asked me if I wanted a clear coat.  As the family is away for the weekend, I figured that this would be a good time to have a little color for a couple of days.  No hiding that!  So, I told her that I'd be daring and try some color.  There is not likely any doubt in her mind about my sissyness.  So, we chose a light pink polish and she applied a clear coat and the pink.  She then asked whether I'd like it sheer, as is, or go with a second coat, showing me the difference with her nails.  I opted for the second coat.  She applied that and a final clear coat and the drying drops.  We then did the haircut.  As I was checking out the receptionist noticed that two nails were messed up...not hard dry yet...probably from reaching into my back pocket for my wallet (maybe a good reason to use the purse more often?  Food for thought.)  In any case, she had my nails repaired and I was on my way.  These trials and tribulations give me a better appreciation for what women put up with for beauty. 

So, I decided to go out for dinner.  I went home to walk the dogs first and to decide on an outfit for dinner.  I settled on the black suit, with pants.  Oh how I'd have liked to wear the skirt and heels but, small steps.  In any case, I wore the white short sleeved knit top and a cami.  I put on my silver necklace too, under the blouse.   The necklace could just be seen at the sides of my neckline.  I chose an Irish pub and drove there, when I realized that I needed ink for the printer.  Oh well, as long as I am in the neighborhood.  So I stopped at Staples for the ink.   Only the lady at the checkout saw me and she did not say anything or otherwise react.  On to the restaurant!  I had to park about 100 yards from the entrance and walk across the green.  I did not run into anyone so, no reactions.  I entered the restaurant and it was mostly empty...early for the dinner crowd.  The hostess seated me but with a little bit of a question in her eyes...now I am out!  There were televisions to watch so I did not have to sit there dwelling on my predicament.  The waitress was very polite and it all went smoothly, as it should, but I know the wait staff was talking about me.  I decided to take it farther and move the necklace outside the blouse.  Now there could be no doubt...no guy wears a crew neck knit with a thin silver necklace sitting on the outside.  So, there it was...right out there on the table.  And I survived. 

Ballet

Totally inspired this morning, I made an inquiry at a ballet school.  They have beginner classes for adults on a drop-in basis.  Since I would not be coming in at "the beginning", I figure that it would be even more uncomfortable, as the remainder of the class would be more advanced.  So, I asked about having some private lessons, to bring me up to speed.  I am waiting anxiously waiting to hear back.  I started looking into ballet clothing.  Do I dare buy the pink ballet shoes?  Tights and a leotard or pants and a shirt?  If pants, tight, ankle length?  So many questions.

I told the studio that I was looking to work on my balance and movement for my actual sport.  I am not sure about whether I should slowly work towards letting them know it is really being about acquiring a feminine deportment and state of mind.  We'll play that by ear.  In general, I think that any activity that is clearly this feminine will help with my overall adjustment. 

Chatting

So, I just chatted with "GlitterGoddess" from NiteFlirt.  She was very interested in me and my venture into the world of femininity.  She asked all sorts of questions about why and when I started and I told her most of the stories that I have posted.  It was by far the best chat that I have ever had about my life and the changes I am going through.  It was very therapeutic.  I suspect that we will chat on a regular basis.  It just felt so nice to have an understanding person listening to my thoughts and stories.  There was absolutely no judgment and felt so comfortable as we chatted.  I even showed her my little boobies. 

Clearly she is encouraging me to delve deeper into femininity.  She asked about doing something with my voice, even offering to start right then.  This is something that I need to work on but I am not overly optimistic about ever sounding feminine.  In the mean time, we also talked about feminine gestures.  I have been working on modifying my walk and my hand gestures but my sense is that I am doing a typical male interpretation of women rather than actually capturing the essence of femininity.  I think I come across as a camp impersonator.  I think that having feminine input could move me in the right direction and GlitterGoddess (I think I'd rather use her actual name) suggested belly dancing as a means of achieving some feminine mannerisms.  This sounds pretty reasonable.  I have been thinking of dance, in general, as a means of developing my self but was thinking ballet or ballroom dancing.  Yoga is another thing I have been pondering...most of the classes are women and emulating them could help.  I'd love to be in a class of some sort with all women and to have them treat me like one of the girls.  Another thing to work on. 

The Dress

The dress arrived at Davids.  I was very surprised to get the email announcement as I expected to not see it until the fitting in July.  I put off picking it up until I could find a place to store it...home seems like a tough place and it being found could be complicated.  In any case, they sent a second notice today so I felt inclined to go get it.  With typical trepidation I approached the entrance.  But, I persevered and opened the door.  Not too many people.  Good.  I told the receptionist that I was there to pick up a dress.  She asked what name it was under.  Oh well, they know...

So, an assistant arrives out front carrying the dress.  And she asks if I want to try it on...did not think of this.  So, I replied, "sure, why not".  Casual me.  So, we go back to the changing rooms...nobody there.  She takes the dress out and gives it to me.  "Would you like a bra?"  Had not thought of that.  So, "sure, .why not".  I tried it on, after fighting to get the 40B long line bra on, and it fit wonderfully.  I am not sure what alterations will be recommended but it fit very nicely, as is.  But, do I check it out in the mirror or not?  Well, there is a bridesmaid next door, talking to the assistant...maybe not.  I changed back out of the dress and came out.  She then mentioned how much fun the other assistants had when I bought the dress...wow, I am a celebrity sissy.  Then we walked out front to sign for the dress.  The whole shop was there, I think.  Everyone had to know what dress it was.  I apparently have good taste, as they all approved. 

I can't wait for the fitting...

Makeup

So much has happened since my last update.  First, my dress arrived.  I did not expect to pick it up until the fitting in July but it has come, and I must pick it up.  I have to find a place to put it.  I am thinking about a very small storage facility.  That will get me to the fitting.  After that, I have to decide whether to keep it or donate/sell it.  Decisions!

Second, I bought a nice cocktail ring and a necklace.  They were shipped to Zales and arrived this week.  More about that later...

Finally, I had my makeup lesson yesterday.  Again, I was terrified going in but the ladies at the salon were perfect.  I am amazed that none of them has questioned my motivation or acted like I am out of my mind.  Oh well, I loved it.  She ran through the makeup that I brought suggested a slightly darker foundation for the summer, eyeliner, powder and a lipstick pencil.  Otherwise she was happy with my collection.  She picked up on my wanting a subtle look and showed me how to do it.  It was not as subtle as I have done but it more or less showed me that I am on the right track.  Practice, practice, practice.  She did one half of my face and I did the other.  I was so nervous that my half did not come out as well as I normally can do but it worked.  I learned a few tricks and ended with a nice makeup job.  She got out some makeup remover at the end of the session but I said that I'd leave that way.  Brave.  So, I checked out and the girl at the counter saw me, fully made up.  No comments.  I was so tempted to ask her how we had done but I didn't.  But, I drove to the mall with it still on, walked in to Zales and picked up the jewelry.  The ladies there said nothing while I did the paper work and then Jessa came in and asked if I had done the credit paperwork for the pearls.  I finished the other paperwork and then she took over and reversed the charges on the pearls.  She was her normal bubbly self and did not comment on the makeup.  Wow.  I am getting used to this status of people knowing that I am a sissy. 

I ran down to Macys to pick up my suit on Friday.  The suit came out beautifully.  I put it on and strolled around the mall for a bit.  I wore the white knit top that I bought with it.  I still need to get the right pair of flats to wear with it though.  The heels are too obvious and the flats that I have are not right.  Then, I tried on dresses.  Carolina met me at the "Macys by Appointment" office.  She took care of some other business and then asked about exactly what kind of dress I needed.  I told her that it was for a 3 o'clock wedding.  She went out to get some for me to try on.  She had exactly the right idea for me.  Most of the dresses had a top cover-up.  So, I tried on the first dress and it was way too tight...it was a very fitted size 10.  Then I tried on a lovely blue dress, size 16, and it fit well but Carolina did not like how it looked.  So I tried on a pink sleeveless number with a draping neckline.  I was not thrilled with it on the hanger but I thought it was better on.  Again she did not like it.  So, I tried on a blue dress with a gauzy cover up.  It looked awesome!  I should mention that she got me some black patent leather pumps with a 4" heel.  So, I go out with the blue dress and she loves the way it drapes on me!  She notes that it does a nice job of hiding my belly and shows of my lovely legs!  So, then I try on a long sequin accented dress with a jacket.  She absolutely hates it on me.  So, I decide that the other blue dress is the one!  And it was a size 10.  When I lose the additional 10 pounds I'll be getting into an 8!  I can't wait. 

I wore the suit back home.  I had not eatten all day so I stopped at a quick stop for a snack.  The guy at the counter gave me a funny look but, who cares?  I am slowly getting used to people noticing and giving me looks.  I sat in the mall for ten minutes waiting for Macys to open.  There was  a lady right next to me.  If she noticed or cared she did not indicate it.  I am sure that others noticed me but it was just ambiguous enough that many may have just brushed it off.  Not like the other day with the skirt.  Those people KNEW.  Oh well, once a sissy...

So far I have not had anyone say anything.  I am not sure how I will handle it when it happens.  Of course, what they say may involve an invitation to suck their cock.  Even more not sure how I'd react!  The next stage may be very telling.  The ring and necklace will put it out there even if I am in relatively male clothing.  I am planning on going to a bar with a female bar tender and wearing the ring, at least.  I can not imagine that there won't be some discussion.  How will it go?  Hehe.  I'm such a sissy.

I have been busy this week!  First, I gave up on Jennifer with respect to the makeup lessons.  If she calls, I will do one but in the mean time I have found a salon that will do it and have scheduled an appointment for Thursday, the 9th at 4.  Now I am thinking about what to wear!  I have my fortnightly manicure tomorrow.  I am not sure what to wear to that either. I am tempted to just see if doing the eyebrow wax last time will give Candace enough of a hint as to bring it into the open...we'll see.  I made contact with Carolina this week too, regarding the suit.  I could do the long version but the short version is that I am picking it up at 10:00 on Friday.  And trying on dresses for a wedding in June.  Oh my.  I have been searching dresses at Macy's to find something that will work well for me.  I hope she is upfront about how each one works.  Finally, I stopped by the jewelry store to give Jessa the information on the 20" pearl necklaces.  She is not sure whether she can get them in to the store but she will try.  In any case, I know that I can order one and it probably does not matter whether they are .5 or .6 cm pearls.  After we took care of that, I suggested that we should look for something else, as I have no jewelry.  I was thinking about either a bracelet or a ring.  I was pretty sure that rings would not fit and would have to be sized while an 8" bracelet could work.  We looked at a few items, some very expensive, and she started to suggest earrings again.  Wow.  I so want to pierce my ears! But we settled on a sterling silver bracelet with diamond chips set in.  Very pretty.  I wore it out of the store.  And when I bought some dog food.  And at the quick stop to by beer.  What a sissy, eh? 

Comments

So, I have described some of my adventures in the world of girls.  I would love to get some feedback from my audience.  Thanks in advance!  Diane.

Jewelry

So, I have started to think about accessorizing.  #1-a pearl necklace.  With that in mind, I went to Zales at the mall today.  I walked in, there was a couple and two sales clerks.  One of the clerks welcomed me and I quickly found the pearl counter.  I looked over the necklaces and she wandered over to inquire whether she could assist me.  I replied that I was looking for a pearl necklace.  She then asked about who it was for.  Moment of truth!  I looked at her and confessed that it was for me.  Wow.  Big hurdle.  She then asked what I was wearing it with.  Wow.  I replied a white dress.  This blatant admission is becoming frequent lately.  She asked what the dress style was.  I replied strapless.  Totally in the open...no hesitation.  She took it from there.  She showed me a 16" necklace that she felt was a choker.  I guess it would choke my 15 1/2" neck!  She then suggested the 18".  She asked whether I would try it on or whether she should do it for me.  Well, I knew that my neck was much bigger than hers but she had not come to that realization yet.  I said that I'd try it on.  The mirror was right next to where the couple was shopping.  She appeared to be sensitive to this issue, offering to move the mirror.  I said that it was fine where it was.  She then asked whether I knew how the clasp worked. I said yes, but that she should probably do it.  So, She came around the counter and put it on me.  I do not know if the couple was paying attention or not.  It probably fit similar to how the 16" would fit on her.  So, she understood the issue, at least.  She had a very nice 22" that she then tried on me.  I think it was just a bit too long, hanging down too far.  And she had no 20" necklaces.  Damn.  But, I learned a bit and she offered to bring in any necklace that I found on the Zales website.  So, I have located a couple of fresh water cultured pearl necklaces at 20".  I think I'll stop by with the information for her tomorrow as her card did not have an e-mail address.  We chatted about pearl earrings for a bit too.  She asked if I ever considered having them pierced, and whether I had anything else pierced.  She is pretty comfortable with me, I'd guess.  I replied that I'd love to have my ears pierced but that it was a huge commitment to coming out of the closet. 

So, now I have made contact with 1) a makeup sales lady, 2) a Macy's personal shopper, 3) Jennifer, the makeup tutor, 4) the two nice ladies at David's and 5) the Zales lady.  Amazing that none of them appear to be anything but supportive of a guy buying girl stuff for himself.  I am choosing to believe that they are in fact OK with this and not just trying to get a sale.  Candace, on the other hand, has done my nails 5-6 times and my eyebrows once. I have not told her, though telling her "give them a little shape, but not too fem" might have revealed the truth.  She has not indicated that she knows.  I am not sure how I want to play that.  I could come out blatantly or slowly....I am thinking maybe perfume at the next manicure.  We'll see. 

After I left Zales, I stopped by the Bon Ton Estee Lauder counter to see if the "gift bags" were in.  I spotted Marcy at the Clinique counter and walked right up to get her attention.  She asked how she could help me and I reminded her of the gift bag.  So, I got the new eyeshadow pallet along with a new lipstick, a small eyeshadow sampler, more night serum, daywear moisturizer and a makeup bag.  I soooo needed the makeup bag.  And a perfume!  "pleasures" by Estee Lauder.  Another first.  I tried it on in the car.  I love it.  Not as much as Chanel 5 but enough to make it my signature fragrance, for now at least. 

Back to the accessorizing, I am not sure what else I'll need.  Maybe a bracelet.  Probably a blusher.  I am having so much fun!

Wedding Dresses

I went to the appointment at David's Bridal today.  Wow.  I was all screwed up with respect to where to get dressed.  So, I did it at the parking lot of a nature preserve.  No one around, as far as I know.  So, I had my pantyhose on already and jumped out of the car and opened the trunk, where the clothes were.  Now, what to wear? I finally decided on the gray pants and white t shirt.  With the white lacy camisole under.  I am not sure if you could see it or not but I felt very girly, at least.  I chose the black flats too. Then, I tried makeup.  I say tried because my hand was shaking so badly and I was running out of time that I gave up.  Cleaned it off and put on a little mascara.  Obvious, but not over the top.  Then, to the appointment.  I picked Tuesday morning figuring that no one would be there.  Wrong.  I arrived as a lady and her boyfriend went in.  Damn.  So much for just me and the ladies.  I held my breath and went in, hoping that the store was big enough that everyone would be spread out.  Wrong again.  There was a reception desk, with a line.  I stood there very nervous as others were helped, not catching any of their glances.  I know there were some WTF looks.  Oh well.  I survived and was asked to sit down to do the normal bride paperwork.  How may bridesmaids, etc.  Oh well, I have none.  Wouldn't that be fun though...4-5 sweet little maids.  Not to be, I think.

So, I am given a tour of the shop and we start picking out dresses.  They have downloaded my wish list so they have an idea of what I am looking for.  Now it is going smoothly.  Then, to the changing area.  Damn...the dressing rooms are tiny and have no mirrors....the only mirrors are in a common area.  And there are brides and friends there.  So, I try on the first dress...the cute tea length gown by Oleg Casinni that I love so much.  And...a knock on the door...I have to come out to look at it!  With 8-10 ladies watching.  OMG.  Can you say "red"?  But, they were very nice and complimented me and that is how it went.  My basic concept was to keep it simple.  No train.  No ballgowns.  But the nice lady working with me threw in a couple with trains.  Sweet.  I really like one of them.  Totally girly, but not easy to deal with, as I am still pondering the idea of losing my virginity in a wedding dress.  But standing at the mirror in this long gown I really felt nice.  I had to pick up the front edge of the gown to walk.  It was a good thing that I watched  video on walking in a wedding gown!  So, I come out of the booth,  gown slightly raised, walking fine on the 2" heels.  None of the women said anything but I hope that they noticed how well I carried myself.  Then, standing at the mirror, my assistant fluffs my train for me!  Sweet!  So totally like  bridesmaid.  So, after sorting through around ten dresses, the Casini keeps coming to the top of the list.  It is so cute.  Everyone agrees that this is the one.  Then, they come over with the blusher.  I had originally planned to wear a wig but after Sunday's difficult time with it, I decided against it, figuring on getting a new one that works better and can be styled with an up-do.  But they insisted that I try on the blusher... with no hair.  It obviously looked silly but I went along with it.  Then, I got dressed and checked out, setting up an appointment in July to try on the actual gown, which will be a size larger, and get it fitted.  I cannot wait!  I did not buy the shoes but I am now regretting that decision.  The gown is an ivory and I do not have a sample of the material to work with.  It may be easier to have them dye those shoes as they know the color.  The shoes were fine, from my perspective...though not buying them implied that I would have to go shopping for them...another girly activity.  But still,  with a lack of real shoe stores here I think it may be very difficult.  In any case, I left the store, dressed fem with my purse over my shoulder.  So fem!  I could get used to this. 

So, I called Davids.  The lady was not warm and fuzzy but they do expect me tomorrow.  I am thinking of wearing the gray pants with the new charmeuse top from Talbots.  It fit nicely and feels wonderful.  This blouse is one of the great things about being girly.  Either way, I am anxious about tomorrow but I suppose that if it is not working I can just leave.  I hope that they assign me to someone that can have fun with it and make me comfortable.  I'd really like to try the various dresses that I have saved to my "favorites".  My favorite is:

 

 

I hope I can try it on tomorrow! 

 

 

On another front, I found a nice lady that will give me makeup lessons.  The downside is that she can't start for two weeks.  But, it is a good start.  I can't wait to get some feedback on how I have been doing.  Then what?  I am not sure.  The outing yesterday showed me a couple of things.  First, I am not ready to deal with guys seeing me dressed up.  Second, I really need to dress for the occasion.  Wearing the black skirt and 3" heels is not what women do on a Sunday afternoon shopping trip with the family.  Oh well, live and learn.  I know I was not passing but the feel of wearing a skirt in public, the swish of the lining against my stockings, was too wonderful to be ruined by a few guys giving me funny looks.  I did get some smiles from women.  God I love women.  

I didn't make it to Macy's yesterday.  I went today but Carolina was not there.  I asked a clerk about getting the suit but it didn't work.  But, I wore my gray pants with the new white t and a cranberry cardigan.  I wore my low heeled pumps and the wig.  And makeup.  This is the first time anyone has seen me fully fem.  I was so nervous waiting for the clerk to get back.  I pretended to look at the clothes but I was too nervous to really shop.  So, she came back and gave me the bad news.  I'll have to run down again someday.  I am not sure when I can do it though.  I left and went to my car;  I wasn't ready to end my day though. I did a quick change in the car, putting on the skirt and the black 3" pumps.  I got out of the car, adjusted my skirt, and startd for the mall!  I walked around the mall for a bit but I was really to nervous to do anything.  I looked for a chair at Barnes and Noble but they were all taken.  I left by way of the Macy's cosmetics counter, smiling at the nice ladies as I left.  I know there were some "wtf" looks from some guys.  The few women whose eyes I caught smiled nicely.  Most people did not notice or did not care.  I think I canget used to this enough to actually shop.  We'll see. 

First, my suit is in.  I am running down to the store on Saturday to pick it up.  I'd love to wear the skirt, blouse and heels but I am sure that I am not ready for that.  I plan to put it on and go shopping though.  I asked Carolina if she was available to help me buy a dress but I have not heard back.  I would so love to spend some time trying on and modeling dresses!  

Second, my appointment to try on wedding dresses is just a week away.  I am getting really, really nervous about it.  I am hoping that they call to remind me and tell me what to wear.  I vacillate between going totally fem and wearing the suit but no wig.  I just do not know. 

Macy's was amazing.  I found Carolina's office and she invited me in.  She has an accent so I had trouble understanding her at first.  She took me out to the floor and ended up in the men's suits.  Clearly a misunderstanding.  So, there in the men's section I had to say that I was looking for a women's suit.  Nice start!  So, we went upstairs and looked at some separates, Calvin Klein and others.  We picked out a couple in various sizes.  She added a couple of knit shells for under the suit.  We went back to her office where there are a couple of private dressing rooms.  She set me up but I was left wondering if I should get dressed and come out or not.  She clarified that by saying that she wanted to see.  The first jacket and shell were too small, which I showed her.  I changed to the larger jacket and shell and came out.  She played with it a bit in the sleeve and the legs were way long.  I had figured on getting a petite pants but had forgotten to mention it to her.  It then became obvious that she was talking about alterations.  So, she ran out to get the seamstress.  She was an older lady and did not seem at all bothered that I was standing there in stockings and a women's suit.  She made me put on my shoes and pinned up the pants and jacket sleeves.  It all went so quickly, and I had not tried on a skirt or heels yet!  So, I summoned the courage and asked Carolina whether the suit came with a skirt.  And, yes it did!  She ran out to get it as I pondered the idea of a lady seeing me in a skirt.  The suit was androgynous but the skirt was not at all.  I put it on and put my shoes on...and came out of the dressing room.  I said it fit well but the shoes were wrong.  Now we were on a roll.  After a few tries, she finally found a pair of black leather pumps with a 2" heel.  I was in heaven when they fit! And I was standing there in a skirt and heels, in front of a woman.  Wow, I've started to really come out.  After she checked me out she gave me her card and said I could call for another appointment any time.  I guess that she is cool with the whole thing.  I have to go back in 10+ days to pick up the jacket and pants.  I hope that I get to try them on.  I may wear the suit out into the mall.  I'd love to do that with the skirt but I am not sure that I am ready for that yet.  In any case, I think that I am going to need a dress right off....

Macys

I set up an appointment with a personal shopper at Macy's for tomorrow.  I said that I was interested in buying a pant suit for work.  And maybe a blouse and shoes.  I then received a phone call from the lady, Carolina.  I had a bad connection, she had an accent, and I was in my office.  Not a good time to get personal.  I answered her basic questions but I did was not able to really chat.  So I sent her an email with my sizes and preferences.  I told her that I wear a size 18 blouse and a size 10 pant buy that because my inseam is only 29 1/2 inches that I often wear petite with flats.  She did not reply and after waiting a few days I sent her another asking whether she had received the first.  She replied that she had not so I resent the first.  I am now anxiously waiting for her reply.  I hope to ask her about what I should wear tomorrow as I am very anxious about that too. I have more or less decided on black pants, the maroon sleeveless sweater and the tweed jacket.  Clearly women's clothes to someone paying attention. 

I also spent some time with a Estee Lauder on-line assistant yesterday discussing makeup, as Dan.  She was very professional and gave me some information regarding a look that is not obvious.  I need to stop and see Marcie to get the sheer foundation that she recommended.  I can't wait. 

So, I am hoping that Carolina gets some pretty bouses for me to try on.  Something really fem.  I won't be able to wear them as a guy but it would be fun to see how they look.  And it would mean that she understands fully who I am.  Same thing with shoes.  I asked for flats but I am hoping that she has a least some short heels.  And a skirt.  Trying on the suit would be one thing....it can be seen as a guy's suit.  But a skirt is absolutely fem.  No ambiguity there.  It would be so over the edge.  Many people have seen me shopping in an womens clothes but only pants.  Trying on a skirt for her would be an intense experience;  I do not know if I could ask if she does not offer though.  We'll see.

I called David's Bridal yesterday to reschedule my appointment.  I was scared to death.  A very nice lady named Heather answered.  I told her that I had to reschedule my appointment.  She asked what the date of my appointment was, looked it up and asked if I was Dan.  I said yes.  She did not appear to react, simply asking when I'd like to reschedule for.  I told her that April 23rd was the best day and she asked if 11:00 was still good.  I replied yes and she rescheduled me, thanked me for calling and said goodbye.  By the time I got off the phone, there was an email confirmation in my inbox.  There appears to be no confusion as to my intents as the confirmation, as last time, clearly talks about all the things that the bride should do to prepare for the appointment.  I am so thrilled.  And scared.  I am so anxious about how they are going to actually do the fitting.  Do they have a very private room?  Do they have a guy that will handle it (this would be very disappointing, and embarassing).  Do they intend for a woman to handle it and if so, will she be fitting me for a strapless bra and will she be seeing me in my panties?  I still am not sure how I should go to the appointment.  I would like to ask about these items but I am so intimidated.  In any case, I am looking forward to the event.  I am hoping that they will call or email with specific instructions and/or a quick discussion about my "likes".  That would open the door for a discussion of my questions. 

With respect to a makeover that morning, I need to be more direct with Candace, I think.  I could book the makeover by email but I think that she'd be insulted that I did not talk to her about it.  I could ask if she does makeup and if she is available on the 23rd in the morning when I book my next manicure, I suppose.  I let you know!  Hehe. 

Ok, so I have gotten it into my head that I should lose my virginity in a girly way.  I think wearing a wedding dress as I kneel before a man for the first time will firmly put me into the role of a submissive sissy.  With that in mind, I have made appointments at two bridal salons to try on dresses.  I am scared to death and yet am fascinated by this.  I can think of nothing else.  I made a mistake with the one appointment and scheduled it for a Monday morning when I will be returning from out of town.  I cannot reschedule it by email so I will have to call.  I am not sure that they know that I am a guy and their reaction may be negative.  With respect to the other appointment, I have emailed the bridal consultant and asked a couple of questions and she replied with my male name so I have to assume that she knows....

So both stores have requested that I browse their gown collection and find a few that interest me.  I have tried to learn as much about fits as possible and have selected a number of dresses for my "wish list".  Here is one that is similar to the one that I like the best:

 

I had my nails done on Friday.  As I waited for the appointment  I read Brides magazine.  I do not know if Candace noticed or not but I left the magazine on the table rather than putting into the rack.  Maybe the receptionist will notice as  she puts it back.  As usual, Candace asked whether I wanted a clear coat.  I said yes, then kiddingly said "well, maybe a little color this time"  She replied, "maybe a light pink?" and I agreed.  She used the clear though.  I will continue to see how she reacts to my sissy hints.  I am thinking of asking her to style my wig and doing some makeup for my appointment at the bridal salon.  I am really starting to let women know that I am a sissy.   The embarassment is exquisite.

Hi.  I have started wearing makeup on a regular basis.  Almost always mascara and shadow.  I did foundation, blush and lipstick though on Friday.  I went to the mall to see if Marcie was working at Estee Lauder but she wasn't.  I browsed the jewelry counter but did not buy anything.  I so want to pierce my ears but I am terrified of what the friends and family would say.  In any case, I stopped at a grocery store on the way home and the checkout girl either did not notice the makeup or was totally disinterested. 

I have an appointment for a manicure with Candace today.  I felt so girly calling the salon.  They did not ask why I wanted the appointment so I made sure that the receptionist knew it was for my nails.  Maybe she assumed, since that is all I have had done at this salon.  In any case, they called yesterday to confirm but I could not answer.  I loved listening to the message though.  "Hi Dan, this is to confirm your appointment at 5:00 for a manicure with Candace.  Have a nice day Dan."  How to get them to call me Dani, or better, Diane?  So, I am looking forward to the manicure.  I broke two nails this week.  I really need to find a way to strengthen them.  The other nails are long enough for Candace to shape.  I wonder what she'll say about shaping them?  I have been pondering what to wear to the appointment too.  I am not ready for an overtly feminine appointment but I feel like I should wear something that might prompt Candace to question my sissiness.  I also hope that we get to spend the entire time in private.  I think it would be fun to have her asking questions that subtly probe my sexuality. 

So, I have been getting a bit more daring.  After buying the Estee Lauder makeup, I have been trying to maintain a skin care regimen.  So I exfoliate, clarify and moisturize every morning now.  I try to remember to do it at night but I am not so good at that yet.  In any case, I started wearing a light coat of mascara every day.  I am very careful to use a clean brush and separate my lashes so that the clumps are gone and it is not obvious.  Yesterday I took it up a level and wore shadow too.  My eye creases are dark naturally so I just evened them out and added some light shadow over the rest of my eyelids.  I felt so pretty.  I stopped by Estee Lauder at lunch to see if Marcie was there but she wasn't.  The other girls were busy so I left.  I should mention that I put on the Stay Honey lipstick before going into the mall.  I can not tell how noticable the lipstick is.  I am hoping on the one hand that it is subtle but on another level, I am announcing that I am a sissy.  In any case, I returned to the mall after work to see if Marcie might have just been at lunch.  She was still not there.  The other girls were not occupied and were chatting at the Clinique counter.  I stayed by the EL counter until one of them finally came over...the first person to really see me with makeup on.  She was very nice also and I told her that I was looking for an eye pencil to go with the Stay Honey lipstick.  She put a little lipstick on her hand and the tried two pencils.  She made a recommendation, which I agreed with and I purchased it.  She gave me some samples as I checked out and she made it clear that she knew that I would be the one using it.  How girly of me. 

Then, as I checked out, I realized that my debit card was missing.  After a quick review, I realized that it was probably at On Tap, where Brenda and I had gone the night before.  So, I decided to stop there on the way home and check.  The questions was, should I go in with the lipstick on?  All of the way over I though about the question.  I knew that being a bar it the lighting would be low.  And I knew that most of the bartenders were women.  So, I talked myself into it.  So, I parked and walked in without encountering anyone.  There was a woman at the bar but she was talking to a guy.  So, I walked over an she asked if she could help me.  In all the way now.  I told her what had happened and she said that she had seen the card, or so she thought.   She walked to another part of the bar, where there were a group of men talking and she searched for it, maybe in a drawer.  She then asked for an ID and I gaver her my driver's license.  All the time I am wondering if anyone has noticed my makeup.  She hands me back my license and card and I thank her.  No visible recognition of my makeup.  Did she see or not?  What did she think if she did?  Did the guys see?  I don't know.  But I seemingly turned a corner and am not embarassed to be seen as a sissy.  Sweet! 

I should mention that I was cold at work and came home and put on a turtleneck to stay warmer.  A ladies turtle neck.  Black, with a high neck and cable knit.  Not obviously a woman's bouse and yet a little fem.  So, I wore that under my wool shirt all afternoon.  But I took the shirt off to go into the mall and into the bar.  I did not have a slacks or shoes to wear so it was probably not noticable but I stilll enjoyed it. 

I have decided that the next thing to do is to try on shoes.  I am hoping to find a store with a young female clerk and otherwise empty.  This is the first time, after all.  I plan on wearing the little not to fem booties with panty hose.  Probably the grey slacks.  Maybe with the maroon knit shell and my jacket.  We'll see. 

Ok, so I have not yet sucked a cock.  I have discussed it with a couple of guys via e.mail but I have not succumbed.  Let me tell you what I have done.  First, I went to the Bon Ton department store.  I was wearing a nice sweater set, in royal blue.  I had on black pants with a side zip, tan panty hose and a pair of cute boots.  Anyway, I walked in the entrance near the cosmetics counters and there was a cute girl, Marcie, at the Estee Lauder counter.   She caught my eye and I don't know if she noticed what I was wearing and deduced that I'd be interested in her products or whether she was just being friendly but she came to the counter as I approached and asked if I needed any assistance.  I made a leap and said yes, foundation.  That opened the door pretty wide and after a quick exchange, she was holding up a template with color on it to match my complexion.  We chose a double-wear foundation to try and the next thing she's applying it on my cheek.  She then tried another and let me compare.  I chose one and she then asked if I needed anything else.  I think my eyes gave her the answer and she suggested a blush.  W chose a blush and moved on to lipstick.  There was no pretending that I was not a sissy anymore.  I was over the edge.  Someone Knew My Secret.  I've done a lot of shopping, in person, and I would guess that some of the sales ladies suspected that I was shopping for myself.  Marcie flat out knew.  It was exhilarating.  We chose a nice lipstick and then a five-color eye shadow compact.  I had no idea what I was spending but she could have sold me anything.  As I checked out she commented on the cure heart ring I was wearing.  I am totally in now.  I signed up for Estee Lauder's email and she promised to call to see how I liked the makeup.  She also told me that there were some gifts that she would hold for me and she'd call when they come in.  I have not heard from her yet and I hope that she was serious.  I get so excited when I get a call from an unknown number now, hoping it is her.  I have resisted going back to see if she is working as I do not want to come across a stalker but I hope she calls and I hope that it will be ok if I see her next time with makeup on....

Then, in my new found freedom, I made an appointment at a local salon to get a manicure.  I was too scared to call but found a salon that has an online appointment booking system.  I made the appointment and got a confirming email for the following week.  I was anxious all week, wondering if I could go through with it.  Then, the day before the appointment, I received a confirmation call from the salon.  They asked for Danielle...I don't know if I mentioned it but my name is Daniel.  I use Diane as my fem name as it is not simply a feminization of my real name.  Anyway, it was a little bit of a thrill to have someone call and ask for Danielle.  She asked if Danielle was there and I said "yes, speaking".  There was a subtle intake of her breath when she realized that the appointment was for a guy.  So, I confirmed the appointment.  Then, yesterday I left the office a little early, to go to the bank and get to the salon early.  The bank did not take as long as I had figured and I got to the appointment 20 minutes early.  I sat in the car for ten minutes and I was scared to death to go in.  I also did not want to arrive too early as that is bad form.  So, at ten minutes before the appointment, I got out of the car and walked in the salon.  The receptionist was busy so I stood for a couple of minutes.  She then asked if I had an appointment and I said yes and told her my name.  She said that Candace would be right out and to have a seat.  So, I sat and read a fashion magazine for a minute until Candace arrived.  She was an attractive young girl with black hair with a blond under layer and a multicolored layer below that.  Very cute.  She walked be to the back of the salon where there was a manicure station set up.  Relatively private...or so I thought.  So, she had me soak my nails for a few minutes, by myself.  I was very self conscious.  She then returned and started working on my right hand.  It took a minute but she got a good conversation started and I relaxed.  But then another manicurist set up a table abutting ours and another lady sat down to have her nails done.  The conversation from the other table pretty much killed our conversation and while they kiddingly included me at one point, there was no real participation in the remainder of the manicure.  In any case, Candace completed the work on my nails (they were terrible as they have been very brittle lately).  She then asked about whether I wanted a clear coat or not.  Moment of truth.  If I did the polish someone might notice.  With a deep breath, I said yes and she applied the polish.  The clear is subtle but definitely visible, if scrutinized.  We'll see what happens.  I have Candace's card and I am thinking of doing my nails again in two weeks.  Oh, and while I was sitting at the table, a number of men came through going to the men's salon.  It both excited and embarrassed me to be seen doing such a fem thing.  Oh my.